


Freaky Monday

by LilShitWayne, shakespearedidnothavecumsh0ts (loginhasbeentaken)



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Bodyswap, Cracky, Day 3, F/M, Maleo Week, original characters as per usual, y'all should know Don is our bby by now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-04 02:30:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11545596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilShitWayne/pseuds/LilShitWayne, https://archiveofourown.org/users/loginhasbeentaken/pseuds/shakespearedidnothavecumsh0ts
Summary: Malia and Theo swap bodies over night. Chaos happens.





	Freaky Monday

Once again, Malia was running late. Nothing seemed to go right for her. Her dog took forever to return when she let him out, her car broke down and despite rushing out of the house with her wet hair in just a braid, her uber driver manage to drop her three blocks away and she had to walk to the office. Her asshole boss was going to murder her.

"Sorry I'm late," Malia sighed stepping into her boss' office.

He held up a finger, signaling her to be quiet before he trailed off in Mandarin. That's right, they were expecting ambassadors from the Chinese branch of the company later that day and everyone knew Theo Raeken was even more of a dick when he was expecting foreign visitors. Great. She was twice screwed.

Theo hung up and shot her a pointed look, raising his brows. He was pissed.

"Why are you late THIS time?" he asked with a scoff.

"Do you really want to know?"

"No exactly, I'm more concerned as to why you look like a wet dog."

"My-"

"I don't care. Look Melanie-"

"Malia,"

"Melinda, we have important visitors coming here later," he sighed. "I trust all your work has been completed?"

"I sent you the email last night sir."

"Right," Theo chuckled before reaching into his wallet. "In that case, take the company card and go to the salon around the corner. I can't have you looking like a mess in front of my potential investors."

"Wow, want me to get a new dress too?" Malia scoffed rolling her eyes.

"Actually, I took the initiative and had one made for you. I estimated the measurements if that's okay."

"No problem sir."

"Good, now get going."

Malia scoffed as she eyed the dress on the hanger. She was all for looking for the part and making their guests feel comfortable, but judging from the large split on the side of the dress, she would probably be less than comfortable.

Sighing, she shimmied into the dress and let out a swear at how tight it was.

"Perfect fit Matilda," Theo had said when she'd walked into his office.

"It's Malia. And the dress is actually a bit snug."

"That's the style," he smirked.

"I'm sure it is," Malia replied, sneering when Theo turned his back.

She soon found out that it was also damn near impossible to sit in the dress. She had to wonder if Theo had made this tight on purpose or if her friends were right in their campaign to get her to wear more form fitting clothing.

It didn't seem to matter as all Theo seemed to require of her was to smile and look pretty whilst he greeted his associates. This fact coupled with her intensive knowledge about his schedule and preferences made her wonder why he didn't just marry her instead. She cleaned up most of his messes anyway.

She'd zoned out most of what he was saying because of how insufferable he was but suddenly became alert when he shaked his head profusely and chuckled before uttering something in Mandarin.

"I'm sorry did you say something?" Malia asked politely.

"Mrs Lee just asked if you were my wife," Theo chuckled.

"If only he could be so lucky," Malia scoffed.

"He would be," Mrs Lee replied, shocking Malia. She had no idea the elderly woman could speak English.

"Well luckily for us both, I'm just his personal assistant," Malia smiled.

"Malia, why don't you show Mrs Lee around?" Theo asked.

"It would be my pleasure," Malia smiled, genuinely this time before guiding the older woman on a tour of the office.

Mrs Lee went on about how beautiful Malia was before handing her a beautiful jade necklace. It looked ancient and had to have been centuries old.

"I- I can't accept this," Malia gaped.

"Nonsense dear."

"It's beautiful and-"

"Would bring out your eyes. Please accept it or I'll be deeply offended."

"Well.... I wouldn't want that." Malia replied with a small smile before putting the necklace on.

"See? Beautiful”

"Thank you," Malia sighed, nodding politely. 

* * *

Malia stared at the email on her phone for the longest while. The offer seemed really tempting, always had. Even more so after the day she had. Theo seemed to have no use for her other than to look pretty and smile. She was wasting her talents. She needed a new job indeed.

They had emailed her back. It wasn't better than the promotion she had envisioned on the Alpha Industries, but it was better than being stuck as Theo's PA forever. The catch? She had to be there in ten minutes, and she still had one more hour before her expedient ended.

Taking a deep breath and resolving to be brave and quick, Malia walked to Mr. Raeken's office and knocked.

Malia sighed after getting the go ahead to enter. She had no idea what to tell Mr Raeken, but decided that she was well deserving of a day off.

"Nice necklace," she scoffed, hoping to dissipate some of her nerves.

"Malia, hi..." he looked up with a smile and for a second - just a tiny second, okay - she melted in her heels. 

"Mr. Raeken, I-" she bit her lip, maybe she shouldn't tell him about the interview, maybe "I'm not feeling very well, may I go home earlier?" Malia lied.

"Oh?" Theo asked with a raised brow.

He wouldn't object to her leaving because lord knows the girl worked too hard. But of course, the email he received from his friend gloating about possibly poaching his assistant made him believe otherwise.

"Yeah, it's- it's the time of the month and I'd really like to lie down" Malia fidgeted under his glare. She knew just from the way he was looking at her that there was no way he would let her go. She was hoping the overshare would make him uncomfortable enough to dismiss her earlier.

"You can take some pills here and take a break. Your work day still hasn't ended and regardless of the fact, you still need to work," Theo shrugged.

The bastard. If looks could kill, Theo would be dead by now. Malia bit down on her lip not to curse him and Theo internally sighed. He probably wasn't doing his crush on Malia any favors, but at least it would stop her from going to work somewhere else. Call it jealousy, but she wasn't just an amazing girl, but also the best personal assistant he had ever had. He wasn't letting her go that easily.

"You have a point," Malia sighed. "But I'd really feel much more comfortable in my own bed," she addes. "I can make it up tomorrow...."

"Malia. Period or no period, you still have got to work. Go lie down in the lounge for a few" he scoffed, knowing very well that she was lying. Maybe he paid a little too much attention on her, but hadn't she called in sick just three weeks ago? And then appeared next day pale as a leaf popping painkillers and having more bathroom breaks than normal?

"Right." Malia scoffed. "I'll just take whatever advice you give me because you know exactly what I'm going through." she replied with a sarcastic nod.

He let out a sigh and thought that maybe she really wasn't lying and wasn't feeling well, instead of trying to sneak to a job interview. Theo opened his mouth to reply, but Malia rolled eyes. 

"Save it, Mr. Raeken" she said, before storming out of his office. 

Theo sighed and lowered his head, using his fingers to comb his hair and toying with the necklace hanging on his neck, a recent gift from Mrs. Lee. Maybe this time he had crossed the line.

* * *

Malia let out a sigh and sunk deeper into the silk sheets of her bed before realising that she didn't own silk sheets. She looked over at the clock on the bedside table and flew up. She was going to be late. She had no memory of the night before. Did she hook up with some random stranger?

Rushing to the bathroom, she realised that she was topless, which was weird, she knew she wearing pants. Silk boxers? Still, she had no time to debate that. She rushed to the bathroom and didn't know how she felt about using a strangers electric toothbrush so she opted for gargling with mouthwash and went to open the medicine cabinet for something to soothe her headache. She instead found herself screaming when she noticed her reflection wasn't her own. 

Theo had a similar experience, he enjoyed the softness of the blankets he was wrapped in; they were perfect for how insanely cold he felt. Naturally- he cursed the invention of alarm clocks when he looked over at the time, six thirty am? That was bizarre. Reaching out he tapped the irritating thing before sweeping long brown hair from his face. Long brown hair was something he'd never had throughout his life neither were dainty hands and small wrists. And was that a triskele tattoo on the inside of said small wrist? Theo had no tattoos, in fact- he was terrified of needles.

He rushed over to the mirror and let out a small gasp when he noticed who was looking back at him.

Theo touched the mirror, shaky fingers following the contour of his - her - nose... Her soft mouth, the cheekbones. He had to be dreaming. 

"Wake up. Wake up now" Theo closed his eyes and pinched himself.

He wasn't. How was this possible? He ignored the urge to do whatever the dirtiest parts of his mind were telling him to do and instead found himself distracted by the jade necklace around her neck. It was identical to the one that Mrs Lee gave to him the day before, minus the fact that the chain on hers was more delicate.

"Fuck" Theo whispered under his breath. "I can't be  _ Malia  _ ..." just as he mentioned her name, the phone rang across the room. 

Theo leaped for it, grabbing her cell phone and picking up just in time to hear his own irate voice "What the fuck did you do Raeken!" she yelled, rough voice and spitting fire.

"Me?! How is- wait- are you me?" Theo asked in a hushed yell, almost as if this was some dirty secret.

It was, wasn't it?

"You stupid bastard! If this is some joke- you know what, I quit! You can stop the prank now, idiot!" Malia yelled even louder. Surely she was scaring the crap of his uptight neighbors.

"How could this be a prank? You're delusional! And you can't quit, I'm in your body!" Theo yelled back.

"You what!? There's no way this is possible, I- fuck" Malia let out a small gasp. A small woman was standing on the doorway of her- Theo's room. She was holding her coat and looking completely horrified.

"What? What happened?" Theo asked, growing frantic. He needed to know what was going on.

"Theo" Malia said softly, trying to open a plastic smile to the horrified old lady "Your mom is here"

"That's impossible. Last I heard she was in Paris sipping mimosas with some Brazilian model who's half her age." Theo scoffed rolling his eyes.

"Well, then I'm being robbed by the world's most ancient thief!" Malia cried, throwing a dirty glare to the lady "Who are you? What are you doing on Theo's house?"

"Shit," Theo groaned. "That's Daisy, my housekeeper. And she's about to smack you in the head with a newspaper and ask you what the fuck you drank last night."

As upset as Theo was about Daisy being riled up he had to admit that it would be funny for Malia to get hit by Daisy.

Malia gulped down. She did feel hangover, so maybe Theo deserved to have his head smacked after all. Maybe this was all nothing more than a horrible acid trip. 

"Hi... Daisy" she let out an uneasy smile "Theo- I'm fine" 

The woman crossed arms "Theodore." 

Malia's fake smile dropped "Look, I didn't drink anything, in fact I-" 

"Theodore" she cut Malia out sternly "Shut up"                        

"Yes ma'am." Malia replied, causing Theo to snicker on the other end of the line. It was nice to be the safe one once in a while.

He now understood why all his friends enjoyed watching him get into it with Daisy.

"What was it tonight?" Daisy scoffed, putting her coat on the big vanity that Theo clearly used as an office table and walking towards Malia. "Was it the job again?" her voice was softer now, but Malia didn't trust this woman. She sounded way too much like Malia's dad. 

"That horrible girl?" Daisy tried once more, picking up the dirty clothes on the floor and throwing Malia a glare for leaving them there.

"What horrible girl?" Malia asked with a scoff and raised brow, she had a suspicion Daisy meant her.

"Oh baby" Daisy let out a small sigh, walking closer and tiptoeing to cup Malia's face. It showed just how tiny she was, since Theo wasn't exactly tall to begin with. "You gotta let go." she patted Malia's cheek gently.

"Uhm.... I honestly have no idea what you're talking about," Malia replied with a blank expression.

"Enough is enough, Theo" Daisy sighed, walking away "Go shower, you stink. And you have work soon. Come have breakfast" 

Malia was left there, stunned and trying to figure out what had just happened and then she remembered "Theo!" she grabbed the cellphone forgotten on the bed and pressed it to her ear. 

"Now you remember me, uh? So while you were trying to pry information from my housekeeper, I made a game plan. Meet you at work." and easily like that, he hanged up.

* * *

Malia let out a scoff and crossed her arms as she sat across from Theo.

"Mind running that plan by me again?" she said, raising her brow, shocked by the sight of her cleavage in that dress she never wore.

"Okay, so- I got us coarse salt, holy water from the church across the street and I paid 50 bucks for the priest to come here. We'll sit on a circle made with the salt and let him pray for us and we'll be fine" Theo answered. He had decided quickly that there was only one way to explain the body swap: demons. 

Malia let out a scoff "It sounds even more ridiculous now than it did ten minutes ago" and then she added with a glare "By the way - Did you used fifty dollars of my money?" 

This was honestly such bullshit and she couldn't believe he'd used  _ her  _ money for it.

"I'll pay you back" Theo rolled eyes "In fact, I don't want to use your economies, so we should switch credit cards." 

It did  _ not  _ have anything to do with the fact that he had spent forty minutes that morning to get dressed. Her closet was a fashion disaster and more importantly - hid her angelic curves. Seriously, Malia needed a reality check.

"Good. And yea, we should," she said "I need to stay on top of the medication for- shit- Coyote!"

"You do realize that sentence made no sense, right?" Theo crossed arms.

"My dog! Did you feed my dog?!" Malia gasped.

"You have a dog?" he genuinely stunned. Theo wouldn't say he hadn't snooped around her house, much like he was sure she did with his. Still, he had seen no dog. Perhaps it was really small "Is it tiny? Because I didn't see any dog.”

"No. But he was probably out with that slutty French poodle again." Malia scoffed. "She gave him fleas."

"Oh-" Theo couldn't stifle a laughter this time "Okay, uhm- I guess you should go home earlier and feed the dog?" he glared at the clock and paced around "Where's the fucking priest?!"

Just as he said that the door of his office opened and a reluctant young priest came in. 

"Morning, I'm Father Corey..." the man sighed, obviously not wanting to be there and holding his bible like a shield "I'm here to exorcise Malia Tate-Hale and Theodore Raeken, despite the fact that I was not blessed by the Roman Church to do so and this is absolutely ridiculous"

"Thank you. Please tell him that this absolutely ridiculous," Malia scoffed rolling her eyes. "And how old are you anyway?" she asked, taking a look at the priest, who seemed like more of an altar boy if she was being honest.

"Eighteen but she refuses to believe I'm not a priest" the boy said tiredly.

Theo - in Malia's body - let out a yelp "No, I paid you fifty bucks for this. Let us sit in the circle and you do your mojo"

Malia rolled her eyes before catching a glimpse of the jade necklace around his- her?- neck. She realised that Theo had one identical to it.

"Wait," she scoffed.

"No time to wait" Tho mumbled, doing a big circle on the floor with coarse salt and pulling her to sit next to him. "Father, please begin"

"Look dumbass. We have the same necklace." Malia scoffed.

"So?" Theo hugged his knees - Malia truly had bony knees he realized - and closed eyes "Shh, the exorcism has started"

"I know having you inside my body is like.... Equivalent to having a demon- but this won't work." Malia scoffed. "We should talk to Mrs Lee."

"What? Why?" Theo said, without opening his eyes. Corey - the altar boy - seemed to be truly mesmerized by the amount of bullshit he was experiencing in first hand.

"Uhm.... She gave us matching necklaces and we wake up in each other's bodies the next morning?"

"Oh..." he seemed to be thinking, before his - Malia's - face lighted up with glee "Then we could simply swap the necklaces!"

"I don't think it's that simple... But, sure," Malia shrugged, pausing a little before taking it off. Was it wrong for her to be awe of how pretty she looked? It was strange, she'd never really seen herself as beautiful. She hadn't for years.

"Here" Theo took off his necklace and handed her, practically beaming with happiness. Sure, it hadn't been all that bad to be stuck inside Malia, but it hadn't been a walk in the park either and he was eager to go back to his body. 

She handed him the other necklace and he put it on, waiting for the sparkles and the magic to happen.

"Uhm?" Malia scoffed. "This isn't working. Here, take it back. It doesn't go with my suit."

Theo sighed. Of course life couldn't go the easy way. "Then the exorcism it is. Father Corey?"

* * *

 

Theo turned his back around to the mirror. Yes, he was in a changing room. Yes he had picked revealing clothes. However, he didn't feel in any right to see Malia's body naked without her permission. He had been with women enough to know his way with a bra even with closed eyes and while showering was awkward, he could get it done without seeing much. 

It was a temptation all the time, but her knew the girl would appreciate. 

"Ms. Tate-Hale? Everything alright?" called the girl who was helping him around the store.                        

"Everything's fine," Theo called back. "Do you have this in a red?" he asked poking his head out. "I think it'd look great with my necklace."

* * *

Malia sat in Theo's home office, going over his accounts. It was a lot easier now when a lecture from Daisy revealed to her that Theo wore glasses. She'd never seen him in them, maybe that's why she always had so much extra work cleaning up loopholes and loose ends.

To say she was living the dream would be an understatement, there she was- not bringing Theo coffee or using her degree to organise a schedule so all his lady friends would be appeased without finding out about the others.

Of course, nothing lasted forever and she let out a groan when Daisy crossed the threshold.

"Yes Daisy?" Malia scoffed, removing the glasses.

"Don't  _ Yes Daisy _ me, Theo" she said, crossing arms "Your credit card bill is here." 

The old lady put the piece of paper on the desk and Malia seriously questioned what kind of housekeeper opened their bosses bills. Daisy did. 

"What's this, Theodore? Four hundred dollars in a dress? Shoes of two hundred dollars  _ each! _ ?"                 

"Wait what?" Malia scoffed, putting the glasses  on and looking over the bill. "That bastard," she scoffed dialing his- her- number.

"I'm worried about you, Theo!" Daisy cried "Since morning you've been acting weird, now you're spending money on girls... What's wrong, baby? I thought it was getting better?"

"Thought what was getting better?" Malia scoffed dialing the number again. She didn't trust Theo anywhere near a salon with her body. Or anywhere for that matter. God only knew what the misogynistic prick was doing with her body as they spoke.                        

"Who were you buying a dress for, Theodore? " Daisy threw Malia a cold glare "Was it for that horrible woman? "

"What horrible woman?" Malia scoffed, frustrated. "I tell you I don't understand and all you do is start consoling me.”

"Lydia! I thought we had an agreement to not bring up her name!"

"Who- oh..." Malia sighed. She'd remembered the redhead. How could she forget? She'd walked in on them in his office a  _ few  _ times. Not the highlight of her job experience.                        

"Yes. Oh" Daisy gave Malia a look full of pity "Maybe you should start therapy again..."

"Again? Theo was- I mean- I was in therapy?" Malia asked, shocked.                        

Daisy frowned and looked confused "Don't tell me you don't remember. I remember you whining non stop when I dragged you there"

"I just don't remember why exactly.... I haven't been remembering a lot ever since I had a drink off with my Chinese dignitaries. I got drank under the table by an old lady, not my finest moment," Malia spoke, improvising.

Daisy flinched "It's the same all over again" she sighed "All you need is for her to step on your life again and the drinking starts all over. I'm calling your therapist. Please don't spend that much money anymore" 

She tiptoed to press a kiss on Malia's cheek and walked away, worn out.

Malia softened, she needed to know what had happened between them. Was that why he was such a dick to her?

"Hello?" Theo's voice was bubbly on the other side of the line and Malia realized she completely forgot about the phone still dialing. 

"You took my body to a salon? Are you insane?!" she whisper yelled, though Daisy had successfully calmed her down.

"You had some split ends love. I didn't do anything dramatic Melissa." Theo scoffed rolling his eyes.

"Mel- alright. Thanks bye" Malia fumed, hanging up without thinking. She was going to make sure he remembered her name. Grabbing her wallet, she walked to the door yelling after her "Daisy, I'm going out, don't wait me up!"

* * *

Theo was sitting on Malia's couch, relaxed. He'd finally gotten the dumb dog to like him, at least stop trying to bite him. Malia's DVR content showed she needed some serious help. Seriously, who watched that stuff?

The phone buzzed and he threw a look at the screen. They had changed phones too, thankfully. He didn't need Malia to snoop through his messages. 

"My name is Malia" said the text, with a picture attached. Theo let out a yelp of horror. She had tattooed her name on his ribs!

He gaped as he stared at the image on the screen and angrily called her and was less than happy to hear her speaking so smugly on the other end.

"You like? I was going for classy yet edgy with the font." Malia spoke smugly.

"What the fuck, Malia!? It's permanent! And my body!" Theo yelled, cursing the way Malia's girly voice didn't come out rough like he wanted it to.

"Tattoos can be removed, I mean- they take forever and hurt like a bitch to remove but no worries, you're the boss you can get time off to recover."

"You're fired!" Theo yelled, furiously.

"Actually, I think I'll give you that raise you asked for Malia." Malia chuckled smugly.

"Why the fuck are you doing this!?" Theo screeched "You know what- I'll sell your dog. Goodnight" and he hanged up.

Malia growled, she didn't trust him one bit. She grabbed his car keys and drove like a madman to the other side of the town. 

It was late already, but Malia was growing scared. Her poor puppy.  Grabbing the spare key from under the mat she barged in angrily.

"I'll kill you if you touch my dog you son of a bitch!"

"You're the one who tattooed my body" Theo said. He was lounging on the couch, in an over sized shirt he had found on Malia's mess of a wardrobe and socks. He made sure his voice sounded utterly bored.

"What are you wearing?" Malia asked, her eyes widening at the sight of the garment on her body.

"This ugly thing? You should know, I found it in your closet" Theo shrugged "But the socks are comfy, I'll give you that"

"Take it off." Malia glared. "Take it off right now."

"Then I'll be just in my underwear! I mean, yours- No!" Theo pouted "Also, if you stopped by to see Coyote, is too late. Sold it already"

"JUST TAKE IT OFF!" Malia snapped.

"You're just plain insane" Theo sighed, taking off the oversized shirt and sitting there only in the girls underwear. He wasn't going to lie, perhaps he did go through her underwear drawer, but it was only because he had to! "Happy now?"

"Very." Malia scoffed tossing the shirt in the garbage before going to her bedroom and dumping almost all of the oversized shirts.

"Okay..." Theo hugged himself, because Malia's tiny body clearly got cold easily "What the fuck is going on?"

"None of your fucking business." she scoffed. "I can't believe I forgot to get rid of these," she muttered.

Although, she couldn't blame Theo, she loved wearing Stiles’ shirts too.

"Okay... I guess those are not yours." Theo sighed "Are you okay?", because it was painfully obvious just how shaken she was.

"I'm fine. How are you?" Malia scoffed, a small bite evident in her tone.

"Not so fine" Theo scoffed "You tattooed my body.”

"You keep forgetting my name. On purpose." Malia scoffed crossing her arms. "And I meant- like... Over all. Seen Lydia lately, in this body?" Malia asked gesturing to Theo's body.

He paled. His mouth went dry and his heart started to race. Where the fuck did this come from. "I don't know what you're talking about" and Theo did not mean the name exchanging prank, but Lydia.

"Huh, turns out the bastard was right. My eye does twitch when I lie." Malia scoffed taking a seat next to him. "Daisy wants me- you- to start therapy again."

"Then perhaps you should and talk about your crazy hatred for oversized shit?" Theo scoffed, crossing arms defensively. "But you don't want Dr. Geyer, he's insane. Tell Daisy you want someone better" Dr. Geyer was actually amazing, meaning he knew all of Theo's deepest secrets and there was no way he would let Malia hear those.

"Okay. I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours." Malia scoffed. "I'll go first. That cool," she suggested.

He didn't want to tell her shit. But Theo was curious, had always been and it got the best of him "Fine. Go ahead"

"They belonged to my ex." Malia shrugged. "He's an asshole. We broke up."

"Then you already know exactly what happened with Lydia. Go home, Malia"

"Why did you need therapy?" she asked, softer this time.

"Because I'm stupid" Theo scoffed "And I put all my trust and all my faith on a girl, only for her to break my heart" 

There was no need to mention Lydia had run off with a guy two days after Theo had proposed, or just how much he had grieved his relationship in the company of a bottle of scotch.

"I'm sorry," Malia sighed. "But on the bright side- you don't need to worry about that now. This tattoo is great for a no strings relationship." Malia chuckled. "You can say I'm some cold hearted bitch that left you at the altar. It makes you seem sensitive but also make them really weary and it gives you an excuse to jump ship at anytime without any real judgment."

"Oh... weirdly close to the truth, what else did Daisy tell you?" Theo glared at her, growing wearier by the minute.

"She certainly didn't tell me anything like that. Just that you act weird when you let  _ her _ back into your lives. You shouldn't by the way."

"Look. I was just grieving, there was no need for therapy! Daisy just happens to think she can mom me" Theo looked away "Anyway, go to the therapy if she's forcing you. It'll calm her and perhaps, help  _ you  _ too"

"Yea. No." Malia scoffed. "I don't know your experiences so unless you want some strange looks, I shouldn't."

"Like I said... tell her to pick another therapist. Use your own issues, deal with them" Theo sat down on the couch "It's the least you can do after tattooing your name on my ribs"

"I've tried therapy. Not my thing." Malia shrugged. It honestly wasn't. Even before Stiles happened.

"Therapy because of the ex?" Theo asked softly.

"He's not that special." Malia scoffed. "But as usual,  _ I _ have work to do. So goodnight."

"Goodnight, Malia" Theo sighed, looking at his hands. Or either, her delicate fingers. He knew damn well how difficult it was to open up, so instead he just let her walk out of the door.

* * *

Malia lied, she'd already finished all the work that needed to be done and instead opted to go to a bar. Turns out she wasn't as over anything as she tried to make herself believe. At least there was some comfort knowing that Raeken had a tab at this place.

"So- once he realized just how fucked I am... he dumped me" she slurred to the barman, chugging down her liquor and making a face. The man had a carefully put together face and offered her a soft smile. 

"I had no idea you were into boys too, Mr. Raeken" 

"Not boys,  _ men _ " Malia hiccuped, covering her mouth before letting out a groan "Oh, he's going to kill me" this time she meant Theo.

"You're seriously wasted," the bartender chuckled. "Don's here, I'll ask him to carry you home."

"Fine" Malia sighed, lowering her head in hands. The world was twirling around her and she knew that there was no way she could make it back home anyway. 

"Dude, what happened? Why didn't you call me if you wanted to get wasted?" a manly voice said, before a large hand connected softly with Malia's back. She opened eyes and had to blink a few times. The man before her had been coined with the words "tall, dark and handsome". 

"Damn, you're handsome" she mumbled, making he let out a hearty laughter.

"I know, never hurts to hear it from someone else though," he smirked. "You good bro? Is it her again?" the male asked, whispering the last bit.

"Would everyone stop asking me if it's Lydia?!" Malia rolled eyes, elevating her voice "Who gives a shit about that ginger, I certainly don't."

The man before her frowned and made a gesture to the bartender "Josh, will you get Theo a water, please?" and then he lowered his voice "I thought we had agreed to never bring up her name again? Because of the panic attacks?"

"Panic attacks?" Malia whispered. Curious as to what happened.

"Okay..." Don sighed "Talk to me, what's bothering you? I'll not play the amnesia game, brother"

"Okay. I'm not Theo." Malia scoffed.

"Except that you are?" Donovan raised a brow "Brother, look- talk to me? I promise I won't judge. Is this the hot chick you were telling me about?"

"Hot chick?" Malia asked with a raised brow.

"The one from your work?" Donovan shrugged "Look, you and I both know she's just a distraction, so- if not her, who or what is getting on your nerves?"

So the rumours were true. Raeken really was fucking the secretary. 

"Look, I just told you. This Asian lady pulled some Freaky Monday bullshit and now I'm in Raeken's body and he's in mine."

" _ Friday _ and let's say I'm believing you. If you're not my best friend, who are you?" Donovan scoffed, ordering himself a drink.

"No. It was a Monday. And I'm Malia. His PA." she scoffed.

"... His... Alright, Theo, that's funny! So what? She's at her own place faking to be you? Is this some sort of foreplay for sex?"

"Why the fuck would I want to have sex with a guy who calls me by other names because he's an immature prick?" Malia asked, genuine confusion marring her- Theo's- features.

"Because- okay. So you're your PA. What am I supposed to do?" Donovan rolled eyes, playing a long. Perhaps Theo had simply way too many drinks and all he needed to do was agree with his horrible story until he could drag his best friend home.

"Theo suggested we get an exorcism. It was such bullshit. I said, we should call Mrs Lee. But noooo. He and his ego are still number one."

"Okay... so we call Mrs. Lee" Donovan shrugged "I suppose you have her number?"

"I can't call her at this time of night." Malia scoffed. "Also, he said he was gonna sell my dog and I didn't check if he did."

"The Theo I know would never sell a puppy" Donovan scoffed "God knows you always wanted one, right mate?" he clapped his friend on the back.

"He's not a puppy. And he's mad I tattooed my name on his ribs." Malia shrugged.

"Wait... you did what?" He realized now this mad story might actually be truth. The Theodore he knew was terrified of needles. In the few times he had been dragged to the ER because of alcohol poisoning, they had been forced to tie him down before they could give him fluids. "Show me"

Malia scoffed and pulled the shirt she was wearing up to reveal the bandage on Theo's ribs.

"Who the fuck are you?" Donovan said coldly, pulling back.

"Didn't I just tell you dumbass?" Malia scoffed. "By the way, who are  _ you _ ?"

"I'm Theo's best friend, and I wanna know where the real he is. Right now" Donovan stood up, grabbing Malia's bicep "Up. Drunk or not you're taking me there"

"You're driving," she slurred.

* * *

Theo rolled on the bed when he heard a noise on the living room. He had always been a light sleeper, clearly unlike Coyote. The dog had been locked on the bathroom when Malia swung by earlier, but now he was cuddled on Theo's side. 

"A robber?" Theo whispered, poking the dog. 

Coyote opened eyes and licked Theo's arm, as if to say relax. "Oh c'mon, are you a dog or a mouse?" Theo whispered, before getting up and tiptoeing out of the room.

"Theo," Malia slurred. Leaning on the hot guy for support.

"Malia- and Don?" Theo took a step back, almost bumping and dropping one of the multiple band posters Malia had pinned to her walls. "What are you doing here, mate? And with a drunk Malia?"

"So it's true," Donovan scoffed. "What the fuck happened."

"Mrs. Lee cursed us. At least, this is Malia's theory" Theo pointed the girl - or rather, man - stumbling drunk "Let's take her home, Daisy gonna die if I'm out all night without so much as a text. Specially because she's already pretty worried"

"I'll call her," Donovan shrugged. "You know she loves me." he added with a smirk causing Malia to groan.

"I can't believe your hot friend is banging your extremely old housekeeper slash mom" Malia said, falling on the couch "I also can't believe a guy your size can't handle alcohol. I drank less than I usually do and I already feel like puking"

"He can't handle his liquor." Donovan chuckled. "By the way Malia, you're pretty damn gorgeous too."

"I am?" Malia lifted her head from the cushions of the couch, genuinely surprised. She could count on a hand the amount of people who had ever said that to her. 

"Of course she is" Theo scoffed from his end "Alright, uhm- a cold shower always sobers me up. Don help me with her"

"Nah. I've got you- her- I'm used to it all the time." Donovan shrugged. 

"And let you see her naked?" Theo said. Donovan threw him a glare. 

"Idiot. It's your body. I've seen it before, wasn't impressed. C'mon, Malia-" he grunted a little, but managed to force her standing.

"For the record, you're totally allowed to see me naked. When we switch back of course," Malia scoffed. "Can't let Theo have all the fun."

"Oh see Theo? The pretty lady likes me" Donovan grinned, holding his friend's body up "It's alright sweetheart, you won't remember this in the morning. Theo never does"

"Yea, I know." Malia scoffed. "PA remember."

"Oh right... you're the PA" Donovan manhandled her inside the tiny bathroom "Well, nice to meet you Malia"

* * *

Malia gulped down the alleged hangover cure Daisy had placed in front of her when she got a phone call from Theo.

"Hello?" she answered.

“Malia" Theo's voice was breathless "Where are you? Please don't say work already."

"No. My head fucking hurts."

"Uhm, yeah- hangover" Theo winced, curling up more on the bed and hugging Coyote closer "Look- are you sick or something? Because I think your body is broken"                        

"Oh?" Malia smirked. "Did you eat something?" she added, teasing him.                        

"Yes and I threw it up" Theo scoffed "Look, I know you might think my plight is funny, but I'm in pain and I'm thinking I should call 911, I just wanted you to know..."                        

"You're fine. You're just about to have your period." Malia smirked. Enjoying this role reversal.                        

"My what- no" Theo sat up in bed. Too quickly. He let out a pitiful whimper and curled up more "Look, since I'm clearly about to be in a pool of your blood- I'll pass work. Bye"                        

"You can take some pills at the office and take a few breaks. Your work day still hasn't started and regardless of the fact, you still need to work," Malia shrugged, mocking him.                        

"You cannot be serious" Theo scoffed "I don't even know how to handle this and you don't want me bleeding on the meeting room, so no, pass"                        

"That's what pads or tampons are for. I prefer tampons but I don't trust you near my vagina with any objects- so, pad it is." Malia scoffed.                        

"Do you have those here?" Theo groaned, feeling his stomach contract painfully again "And I'm just supposed to wear them until I bleed to death?"                        

"Uhm.... In the bathroom. And you need to wear them until they need to be changed. Tampons are only good for eight hours or could probably get TSS." Malia chuckled, enjoying every moment of this.                        

"I thought you said pads! I'm not inserting anything in my- oh god, it hurts, Malia..." Theo cried "Fuck, how do you pull this off, I feel like my insides are on fire, even my back hurts!"                        

"Hmm. Yea. Happens every month." Malia sighed, nonchalantly.                        

"It sucks" Theo said sullenly "I feel sick, I'm going to hang up. And no, sue me, fire me. I'm not going to work. Bye.”, before she could say anymore else he ended the call. 

Malia sighed and rolled her eyes. Theo was on the verge of tears and she knew how he was feeling the only difference was that he didn't know how to cope. She needed to go over there.

"Daisy" Malia sped past the woman who was busy faking to be cleaning the kitchen, when in fact she was overhearing the talk. "Can you get me some meds from the pharmacy? I need to get ready, I'll write you a list"

"Sure thing Theodore," Daisy smiled. "How's your head?"                        

"Better, thank you Daisy" Malia opened a smirk and pressed a kiss on the cheek of the old lady. Daisy took a step back and then frowned, tiptoeing to touch her forehead. 

"Oh god, you must be feverish, baby-"                        

"What? Why would you think that?" Malia's asked chuckling.                        

“Kissing my cheek, talking to a girl on the phone... about periods, Mr. Theo?" Daisy smiled "You sound smitten or sick, and since you're not feverish…” 

"I'm just being considerate." Malia chuckled. "Why do you find that so hard to believe?"                        

"You haven't talked to a woman since her , much less about periods. Go shower, I need to pick up the medicine for the mystery girl."

* * *

Malia raised her hand to knock on the door but then realised that she always hated getting up to answer the door and instead opted to use the spare to unlock the door, medicine in hand.

"Theo?" Malia called.

 "Over here" Theo whimpered, strangling Coyote even more. The dog let out a cry and he heard Malia walking over. 

"Hey" she said softly and he cringed. It was horrible to hear is own voice. 

"I hate this" he whined, curling up.                        

"I know, it sucks." Malia sighed kneeling before him. "I come bearing gifts," she grinned.

"Is it morphine?"

"Close enough." Malia chuckled. "It's a heating pad and some pills."

"I hate this, I hate not being on my body, I'm sick of this shit!" Theo cried, feeling tears swell up. 

"Aww, I know baby," Malia spoke, maybe sounding a bit condescending. "Here, I'll help you out…”

"How?" Theo choked up.                        

Malia sighed and placed a kiss to his forehead. "Just sit tight okay?" she said wiping away his tears.

"Malia, please, don't go- I- oh my god" He felt the warmth between his legs and cursed, rushing to the bathroom and locking the door. It was humiliating.

She sighed and followed him down the hall.

"I know it's a lot to process Theo. But remember that I understand everything you're going through."

"Malia, there's so much blood, I think I'm gonna pass out!" He cried through the locked door.

"I- do you want help?" Malia sighed, running a hand through her- Theo's- hair.

"Where are the pads!?" he yelled "I'm losing so much blood, I'll die!"

"Theo, open the door. Let me help you. Please?" she pleaded.

"No, please- I- just tell me what to do?"

"There's instructions on the box that will make this less awkward. Just follow them and then come outside."

“Fine" he pouted, picking up the box and turning it around. Oh god.                        

"You okay in there?" Malia asked, concerned.                        

"Uhm- yeah" Theo opened the door, shifting uncomfortably "If pads feel this horrible, I don't even wanna think about tampons"    
He crawled to the bed and curled, holding his mid section.                        

"Did you line it up right? Otherwise you'll leak."

"I don't know, I don't care" he mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut "I guess I'll have to change in five minutes, because I'm already leaking blood like a fountain"                        

"I mean leaking as in- nevermind. Let me grab the heating pad," she said with a small smile.                        

"Fine" Theo whimpered, petting Coyote "Were you truly on your period that day you asked to leave?"                        

He hated the idea of keeping her working when she was going through  _ this. _

"I... no." Malia sighed and handed him the heating pad. "I had an interview."  

"Oh, thanks god" Theo sighed, curling up more "... why did you have an interview? Am I that horrible as a boss?"                        

"You... I wouldn't- you just want me to be pretty and sit around and do nothing. And it's a waste of my potential."                        

"Excuse me?" Theo looked up "Do you know how long my last PA lasted? Five minutes…. You're extremely talented and amazing at everything you set your mind into, and as much as I want to give you a promotion, I'd be lost without you"                        

"What?" Malia asked, softening.                        

"I don't even know my own latte order" Theo let out a groan and gagged on his hand "You've become as essential in my life as Daisy, I can't risk promoting you, because the one job above the promotion you get is mine . And since I'll not stop being the boss, it means after promotion you'll be leaving my firm in two or three months"                        

"Wow," Malia sighed. "That's... Thanks." she was at a loss for words. She had no idea he felt that way. She simply thought he was a misogynistic prick.                        

Theo nodded, shoving his face on the pillows. "So... where were you applying for?"

"Uhm.... Donati Industries? Doesn't matter." Malia shrugged.

"Why doesn't it matter? If you want the job, is pretty much yours" Theo shrugged "God knows Donovan can keep a PA either"

"Donovan?" Malia scoffed. "As in your friend Donovan?"

"Uhm yeah, the one you were all over the other night"

"Oh..." Malia blushed, contrary to popular belief she did remember everything.

"Your only problem being his personal assistant is that while he's not a dick like I am, he has a horrible habit of hitting on his PAs. Which is why I'm yet to see anyone last more than the time it takes for him to bed them"

"I'm not easy," Malia shrugged. "I mean- he's hot. But sleeping with my boss isn't my thing."

"Uhm, then you might as well take it" Theo sighed, the heating pad pressed against his lower belly starting to ease the cramps.

"I can't exactly do it right now." Malia chuckled.

"Well, soon... I'll write you a recommendation letter"

"No need." Malia chuckled. "I'm fine here."

"Really?" he lifted his head from the pillows, making his best puppy dog eyes "I'll stop wasting your talents, then"

"You don't really do. I mean- I fix a lot of your messes all the time," Malia chuckled.

"Yeah, but that thing I pulled last monday was just plain tasteless..." Theo sighed "I just don't know why you hide under bulky sweaters and mom jeans. You're smart, you're gorgeous. You should know your image holds a value. " 

"Uhm.... Let's not talk about me," Malia smiled.

"C'mon, I pour my heart out and you won't even talk to me?" Theo scoffed.

"It's not exactly something I feel comfortable talking about."                         

"Alright" Theo dropped it. Perhaps later on she would talk about it "Just... try not to hide yourself, okay?"                        

"It's not easy," Malia sighed. She knew that she needed to share her feelings with someone at some point. Maybe this was that point?                        

"... Is this why you always look so surprised when someone say you're gorgeous? You don't feel beautiful?"                        

"I guess," Malia sighed. "My dads always said it, my mom thought otherwise. And yea.... I suffered with eating disorders."

"Fuck-... how old were you?" Theo sighed, snuggling on her. Trying to comfort her.

"I was twelve, initially." Malia sighed. "And I wasn't like.... Super popular, I was kind of invisible you know..."

"Hard to believe so" Theo squeezed her leg gently "... you have any idea of how it started?"

"Yea." Malia sighed. "I wanted to make my mom happy. Give her the perfect daughter I believe she envisioned."

"Please tell me you're no longer sick and your mom is having loads of therapy."

"No, I'm fine. Karin and I don't really talk but that's okay. I'm not forcing myself to throw up or skipping meals for the purpose of losing weight so. I'm fine." Malia shrugged. "But therapy never exactly helped. A few trips to the ER were more effective."

"ER...?" Theo whispered, as if he was afraid of saying it out loud. "I'm so sorry, Malia. I'm glad you're better now..." It was awkward. He had heard those same phrases too many times now and Theo wished those words weren't as meaningless to her as they were to him.

"I am." she nodded. "How are you feeling now? Any better?"

"Yeah, just... pathetically emotional" Theo frowned, feeling the tears swell up on his eyes. This was ridiculous, their conversation hadn't been that tragic…

"I once cried when I dropped a jellybean on the floor." Malia shrugged. "I don't even like jellybeans."

"So it's normal?" Theo  sighed "Hopefully we'll be able to find Mrs. Lee soon..."

"It's normal," Malia chuckled. "I'm glad you noticed I was right by the way. Don't you have her number?"

"My secretary does..."

"And we all know you have  _ her  _ number." Malia scoffed rolling her eyes. No, she wasn't annoyed. Maybe just a little disgusted at the possible unprofessional relationship Theo could be having with his secretary. The entire office wouldn't shut up about it.

"So do you?" Theo looked up, confused.

"Yea, but you two are exchanging calls well past the regular hours."

"What?" Theo chuckled "Yeah, we're  _ friends _ . You think I'm fucking Tracy?"

"I mean- aren't you?" Malia asked furrowing her brows and pouting.

"No?" he rolled eyes and curled up more, pressing the heating pad against his belly "We're friends. She has a girlfriend for fuck's sake. A girlfriend who's my friend, by the way" suddenly, he felt weirdly offended. He wasn't that unprofessional!

"Oh.... Then what are you two always giggling about?" she said, feeling oddly ashamed.

"I don't know, what do friends giggle about?" he said, looking away from her "You giggle and talk to everyone in the office and no one thinks you're fucking them."

"Well that's because I'm nice," Malia shrugged.

"Wow" Theo seethed "Well, fuck you too.”

"Oh come on," Malia scoffed. "Take a joke."

Theo threw her a glare. When she was calling him unprofessional and mean it was a joke, uh? 

He rolled away from her, shoving his face on the pillow.

"Yea okay now I understand why men always say shit about women being on their periods- no matter how sexist it was- Seriously Theo. It was a joke. Don't be mad at me..." Malia said singsonging, poking Theo in the sides of his- her- ribs. She knew she was ticklish there after all.

"Stop that" Theo bit back, even grumpier. The tickles weren't helping with the pain "So you think I'm fucking Tracy, uh? Well, why don't you use my body to call her, maybe you can land something. You clearly need it more than me.”

"If you would take better care of the shit you're supposed to I'd have time to get laid." Malia scoffed

"Well, okay then" Theo sat up, ignoring the pain "As soon as I get my body back, you're fired. Feel free to go work for someone else" he was seeing red and Theo knew it was just plain irrational, but so was Malia! She was acting like a child!

"Wow. Sure. No problem. Feel free to Google how to relieve cramps because I'm leaving now." Malia scoffed getting up.

Theo didn’t even bother saying anything, he simply turned around and cradled the pillow. 

 

* * *

 

The pain eventually eased and Theo was able to uncurl from the bed and stumble around his - Malia's - kitchen. He was going through her cabinets when he heard the doorbell.

Theo opened the door and stared at the ridiculously plain guy in a flannel looking back at him.

"Uhm, can I help you?" he asked, confused.

"Lia, look- I didn't mean to yell at you that night. You've been avoiding my calls, avoiding my texts-" the plaid guy started saying.

"Uhm.... Who are you again?" Theo asked, even more confused.

"Seriously?" He sounded offended "Stiles?!"

"Stiles- uhm- sorry I'm not thinking straight today..."

"What's wrong, baby? Is this the work again? Your boss made you run around because of his coffee?" Stiles stepped inside, smirking and cornering Theo against a wall "Or is it that dude you were seeing before me- ? Nate?"

"Uhm..." Theo stammered awkwardly. "I'm fine, babe. It's just my period."

This was insanely awkward, he hoped this Stiles guy wouldn't try to kiss him or anything.

"Oh" Stiles blushed a little, but didn't pull back "I can make it better" he shrugged "I always do when you have cramps..." 

He leaned in, pressing a soft kiss on Theo's brow and putting his hands on his - Malia's - tiny waist "Massage?"

Theo had to admit, that did sound really good right about now. Plus it was just a harmless massage right?

"Yea, sure," he nodded.

Stiles smiled brightly and closed the door behind him, ditching his plaid shirt and walking to Malia's room. 

"Just lay down, I'll go get your cream on the bathroom" Stiles said, while Theo looked around awkwardly and laid on his stomach. He felt the bed move as the guy sat down and then Theo's shirt was pulled up. 

"HEY!"

"Shh, relax babe," Stiles smirked placing a kiss to Theo's nape and rubbing circles into his lower back.

"Uhm...." Theo spoke again, pretty conflicted about this entire ordeal. Fuck Malia and her hormones and fuck this Stiles guy with his great hands.

"Now talk to me?" Stiles sighed, rubbing Theo's back "You look so stressed..."

"I'm fine," Theo scoffed. "Maybe keep doing that?"

"Alright..." Stiles said, going back to being quiet "I'm- I'm leaving town, Lia..."

"Leaving town? Why?" Theo asked for the sole purpose of having the guy stick around to massage him.

"Uhm- I got a good job on Chicago and I don't have anything else that keeps me here... the last one was you, but let's be honest, Lia" he chuckled "You're in love with your stupid boss. You ditched my birthday party to stay late working for him and you didn't even feel bad about it... In fact, you looked pretty happy..."

"What? Me, in love with Theo- that's impossible." Theo scoffed."And I ditched your birthday? I'm really sorry about that..."

"Yeah, whatever you say. We're not dating anymore. All of my friends - our - friends are on Chicago now, so is my career... but you don't want to leave here. So tell me what keeps you here?"

"Wait- we're broken up? Shit, she's gonna kill me," Theo muttered under his breath.

"What? We've been broken up for a week, Lia..." Stiles frowned "Which is why I figured you're ditching my calls? I just wanted to clear things up before leaving town..."

"Oh. Uhm well yea. Thanks for that. And the massage. It was nice seeing you Steve."

"Haha, you're not funny" Stiles scoffed "Just close your eyes and relax, I'll find my way out when you sleep"

"Uhm no. It's fine." Theo replied with a small smile.

"Alright" Stiles sighed and bend down to kiss the top of Theo's head "Night, Lia. I'll call you when I land" and then he proceeded to stumble out of Malia's place, almost dropping a few of her posters and cursing under his breath.

* * *

Malia had managed to arrange a meeting with Mrs Lee, apparently- according to her son, she'd been looking forward to seeing them again and was waiting for their call. It was painfully obvious she knew something was up. Now Malia just needed to wrangle Theo in.

She sighed and shoved her hands on the pockets of the coat, waiting him to pick up the door. Following him firing Malia - or Theo? She wasn't even sure anymore - he hadn't bothered to come to work anymore. It frustrated her to no end. He was the boss, the firm was  _ named  _ after him and still... he didn't care enough to show up. 

"Malia!" Theo opened the door with a big smile on his face.

"You're awake, good," she scoffed. "Get dressed we have a meeting."

"Nope" Theo smirked "No way. I'm just a fired personal assistant, I don't go to meetings on the law firm. Sooorry" he attempted to close the door on her face, but Malia's mood was cut short and she pushed the door.

"You seem to be forgetting that I have full access to the finances of your company. Besides- it's not a business meeting."

"Well- you're stuck in my body, so it makes  _ sense  _ " Theo scoffed "Look. I'm not going anywhere, I'm actually enjoying myself. This body rocks"

"You do know vibrators work on the male body right?" Malia scoffed.

"I wasn't talking about vibrators" Theo rolled eyes "I actually enjoy waking up in this body and damn I don't remember food tasting this good"

"We're going to see Mrs Lee, but no worries, we can go grocery shopping and whatever so you can feel like you do now. See, I'm in jeans and a t-shirt, you should try it sometime" Malia scoffed.

Theo's smile dropped and he scoffed, hugging himself. Of course Malia just assumed it was due to changing clothes. 

"Fine. Let's just go already.”

* * *

"You have to be kidding me" Malia whispered, mortified, sitting on the parking lot of Mrs. Lee building. The conversation had been short... and sad. They would not change back unless they made love. Unified their bodies as soulmates or some bullshit like that "I'm stuck on your body forever!" she yelled.

"Well good. Serves you right for tattooing it," Theo scoffed crossing his arms.

"Shut up! It's all your fault!" Malia slapped him, only to hear an horrified gasp. A woman across the parking lot was looking at them. More specifically, at Theo's body hitting Malia's crying one.

"Dammit," Malia groaned. "Now people are thinking I'm an abusive boyfriend." she banged her head on the steering wheel.

"Well, treating me like that" Theo scoffed "Look. It's no big deal, alright? She's old, she was romanticizing it. Let's just fuck in ten minutes and then it's over"

"You're going to crush me!"


End file.
